Dear God, keep me broken.

Back in December of last year, I had this compelling on my heart from the Lord to do something. I didn’t understand this burden or even the way that it all happened. I prayed about it for a while. I wrote about it in a journal and to this day, I will occasionally go back and read my initial reactions as to what I thought God was doing in my life. I do this to remind myself that I am a disciple of the Lord and as His ambassador, I am here on His time.

You see, I used to be that person who was afraid of everything. That’s not hard to gather if you have read any of my old posts. Nothing I have ever done in my life has ever been able to change the fear that has resided in my life. Well, that was until the Lord gave me eyes to see that couldn’t change that. Only He could make such a drastic change. But, the thing is, it wasn’t like it was a magical change and I became fearless overnight. In fact, I will be honest and say that I still have fears that taunt me and fears that get the best of me. The change here is that I am not looking at my fears as the definition of my life. I used to live within the parameters of fears. I call them “my fears” and kept them as companions.

When did this change take place? I don’t have a specific time where I can say I saw the change, but instead, I can say that my first semester of college away from home was life-changing. I had NO idea what kind of change that would take place in my life when I had decided to transfer and move away from home. My first few weeks were quite monumental actually. I had never been in a situation before where I literally had no one else to trust but the Lord. Granted, I had a roommate I became very close with and then began making friends, but it wasn’t the same. I “tried” to make it on my own and trust myself because it was such an automatic response due to my sinful nature. Truly out of my comfort zone and feeling heartbroken by a lot of things, I saw God working in my life. He put me in a place where I HAD to do something. Either lean into Him and trust Him or give up and go back home. I almost gave up many times, but God kept me there for the remainder of my time as an undergraduate student.

The reason I say all this is because what I didn’t see or know was that God was preparing my heart and me for eternity. No, He isn’t preparing me for the future on this earth because this earth is passing away and I do not know when my time will come when I go home to be with my Lord. Being afraid has kept me from the work that He sent me for. It has kept me from the mindset that He would want from His believers. Even as I write this, the idea is shocking in some ways. We often get so caught up in “doing His work” and “working” for Him that we tend to forget that we also have to remember that we will die one day and go home to be with the Lord. Saying that He is preparing me for eternity rather than my future on this earth means a different perspective. This new perspective is quite drastic. Yes, we are here to do His work, but not with the mindset that we are thinking earthly minded, but eternally minded.

But, why do we have to be broken to see all of this? The greatest act of love was shown through brokenness. Jesus Christ went to the cross at Calvary to take the punishment that I deserved and died my death. I often stop and think about the brevity of this act. Through death, freedom was gained. Through suffering, joy was found. Through pain, beauty arose.

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