Back in August, I shared a short story of my life. Needless to say, I never finished it. I may post a little more about me later, but here is part 2…
To continue… (this is the link to the first post if you wish to read it first)
Once I was working, I was keeping my mind off the things that scared me. I knew that if I thought about them, I would go crazy in my mind. I couldn’t wait for school to start because I knew that fear couldn’t get too much of me when I was busy. While that worked a little bit, I also started acting like an isolated person. I had friends, but I was afraid to trust people. I had been burned by trusting the wrong people before and I didn’t want another round. Long story short, I was just living life. Just going through the motions never really taking the time to try and fully live life. I was getting closer to the Lord through all this, and I knew He was allowing me to go through these feelings for a reason. I just couldn’t see the bigger picture He was painting – only He could!
Fear had so much control over my mind and self that I couldn’t even look at something without thinking about how much it could scare me.
I tried finding the reason and source of all this fear and strange behavior. I realized that I was afraid to die. God was my salvation, yet I feared death. I told people I was okay with death, but I was just saying words. I knew I was forgiven and would go to spend eternal life with Him in Heaven, but dying was not okay with me. As I got older and did more things, I realized that my fear of death was really silly. I realized that we are all a ticking time bomb, all waiting for our time to come and snatch us from the Earth. Somehow, we still fear death. It is an event that will happen to everyone, it’s just a matter of when. People who have cancer or another disease that has caused them to have a short time remaining on Earth, have an advantage over the rest of the world. This advantage is that they know when they could die. They know that nothing they can do will ever change the fact that they are dying. They can only live fearlessly for the time they have remaining.
Living as if we only had 6 months left is the way to live. Life has an urgency all of a sudden when a time limit comes to life.
But for me, I realized that anxiety was a huge struggle for me. Many events in my life occurred that would trigger fear and then as if on cue, anxiety would take over. It was making life miserable without escape. Anxiety has been in me for so long that it has begun to control me. I look back at my last few years of high school and realize that there were many good times. Homeschooling was coming to an end, but the great times I had during those years would compare to little. I had good memories with my swim team and with my job. My friends and family had made many good memories and I wouldn’t trade the happy times for anything!
If anything could have been changed:
I would tell my 15-year-old self that no matter what happens, fear cannot be given such high regard.
I would tell my 16-year-old self that fear and anxiety cannot continue to hold you back.
I would tell my 17-year-old self that negativity and people who turn on you are no reason to think little of yourself.
I would tell my 18-year-old self that college would change your life and that you could never go back to the way you were before, no matter how much you wanted life to be the same as it was before college, it could never happen.
I would tell my 19-year-old self that no matter how confusing and overwhelming things got, God has you in the palm of His hand caring for you because He loves you.
I know I cannot go back and tell myself these things. They are in the past. But that’s the beauty in life… God has forgiven me for all the things I have done in the past. It is not for me to worry about anymore!
And today…January 11, 2016, I have resolved to no longer live for myself or my happiness. I no longer want to live in fear and allow my anxiety to control me. I want to be consumed by my Creator, not of fear or worry. I know this will be hard, but the old me did enough worrying. I cannot live if I have not surrendered my WHOLE heart and life to Christ. I want to live for Christ and to do His will. By the grace of God, I can be an overcomer!
SOLI DEO GLORIA!